Intimacy, Passion and Sex After Babies

<Question From The Mama Community>
Any recommendations for keeping your sex drive and passion up?

Sex After Babies

<Answer From Our Resident Sexologist, Dr Renee Lanctot>
Even though I understand what you mean in the question, I would like to provide the definitions for each word, so that everyone is talking about the same thing.

Passion is a strong emotion that is barely controllable. Sex drive or libido is a person’s desire for sexual activity.

When I read this question, what I hear is how can I keep wanting sex with the same partner in a long-term relationship? Am I right? Million-dollar question! Books are written about this. So, the answer can get quite long… short answer: it takes a lot of work and not taking one another for granted.

Passion + Intimacy

Passion is a
strong emotion

that is barely controllable. Sex drive or libido is a person’s desire for sexual activity.When I read this question, what I hear is how can I keep wanting sex with the same partner in a long-term relationship?

Keep things fresh. Talk about anything and EVERYTHING. When you ask your partner questions and the answers might hurt you, control your emotions when getting the truth. Or else, you two will develop a type of fake communication, where you don’t really want to know what your partner thinks, because the reality will hurt you and he/she will not say the truth in order to protect you. If you ask the hard questions (example: what do you fantasize about?) ensure you are ready to face the answer, without proclaiming what a perverse individual your partner is.

Keep things fresh. The longer you stay in a relationship, the easier it is to fall into a routine that does not rock the boat. What I mean is that you learn to do activities that do not push anybody’s limits, so that no ones’ feelings get hurt. This is very nice to protect each other’s emotions, but in reality, what it does is kill passion very fast. Limiting the couple’s sexual activities in order to minimize their insecurities is easy in the short term, but it does create other problems in the long term.

What I would suggest is to continuously add different activities to your sex life. If it stays stagnant for too long, there is a chance one of you or both of you will get bored, and that’s usually when trouble starts. Don’t forget to talk, talk some more, be vulnerable and open to new suggestions.

Good luck!

<Question From The Mama Community>
How do couples get back their sex life after having a baby?

<Answer From Our Resident Sexologist, Dr Renee Lanctot>
Mothers are under a lot of pressure to be perfect for their child. Many feel they are under constant scrutiny from society, and that every word and every move is up for grabs for anyone to talk about. Take a deep breath. Repeat as often as necessary. After you have taken care of the needs of the child, anything else can wait a little. Not all the time. Let’s put things in perspective! But it is OK to take time for yourself. Remember that before you were a mother, you were a partner. Your time with your partner is precious. He (or she) is waiting to spend some time with you too. They probably miss you as much as you miss them.

Nude Silhouette

The biggest problem I see in my practice in regards to couples with young children, is when the woman effaces herself so much to the point where she never takes time for herself for basic activities such as sleeping enough, washing and grooming, eating properly and so on. Some women barely have time to wash their hair once in a while; imagine how far they feel from being feminine and sexy! For most of us, it is easier to feel sexual when we spend some time on ourselves. When the baby gets older, eating properly and exercising are all elements that will help the mother get stronger, and help her have more than just the role of being a mother. When you start to feel good in your body, it is easier to be aware of your sexuality.

Make sure that you keep the lines of intimacy open. I don’t mean you need to have sex with your partner every day, but I do know that touching and kissing which ever way you have time to achieve that day is crucial. Women with young children can reach what I call “the touched out” level. This is when they have had children all over them for a long time, and by the time their partner comes home, they don’t need or want them to touch them. If possible, set boundaries with your children, so that they are not always in your space. Don’t worry, most of them don’t need all that TLC. You will still be a great mom and you may become a closer partner from your own will.

In summary, be a little more selfish, ask for help more often than you think is necessary, or pay for a neighbourhood child to babysit once in a while; focus on yourself so that you can start to see and want your partner again.

Nude Bodyscape

when the woman effaces herself so much

to the point where she never takes time for herself for basic activities such as sleeping enough, washing and grooming, eating properly and so on.

For more conversations about this, or if you have any other questions, please feel free to drop an email or DM on Instagram. We look forward to connecting with you! Xx